Men Behaving Badly and the Missing Woman

Once again, we’re talking about two men and their bad behavior. One told a crass joke. The other slapped him and used profanity during a live broadcast.

Lost in this whole debate over who did wrong is the woman who was wronged by BOTH men.

Her name is Jada Pinkett Smith, an actress and singer, named by Time magazine in 2021 as one of the 100 most influential people in the world. She also has an autoimmune condition, alopecia, which causes hair loss. To cope with this condition, she frequently shaves her head or wears her hair very closely cropped.

The comedian who was hosting the awards show on Sunday night told a crass joke about Pinkett Smith’s appearance and her hair. I purposely refuse to mention his name or link to the gazillion pieces about his so-called “joke.” First of all, in what world is any woman’s appearance a joke? Women do not exist to be pleasing to men or anyone else. Tall, short, fat, skinny, athletic, clumsy, blonde, brunette, redhead or gray – we aren’t here to be fashion plates or uphold some idealized image of beauty and grace.

And yet, we are….

Pinkett Smith grimaced after the comedian told his joke, frowned in what appeared to be dismay. Her husband saw her reaction and bounded up on the stage during a live broadcast and slapped the comedian. When he returned to his seat, he shouted, “Keep my wife’s name our of your fucking mouth.”

Some people view the actions of Pinkett Smith’s husband positively, that he was standing up for his wife and protecting her honor. His actions demonstrate love and respect for his wife.

Bullshit!

Pinkett Smith is not her husband’s property. She’s most definitely her own person and completely capable of defending herself against crass jokes. This is a woman named one of the most influential women in the world! She doesn’t need a man to fight her battles for her.

But we have fallen into the trap of viewing her husband’s actions as heroic, that a man who resorts to violence – whether an open handed slap, a baseball bat or a hail of bullets – is a hero when he’s defending a woman. Think of A Time to Kill or a more recent storyline on A Million Little Things.

Hey guys, let me clue you in on a key piece of advice: When a woman is abused – whether she’s the butt of a joke or viciously raped – sit down, shut up and let her tell you what she needs from you to support her.

Pinkett Smith has all but disappeared from the media stories about the two men and the slap heard ’round the world. The headlines about her are all about how “brave” she is for talking about her alopecia and “going public” with her struggles. As if her hair and how she wears it are anyone’s business.

I watched my sister struggle with hair loss during her chemotherapy. Another dear friend shed tears when she shaved her head during chemo. I colored my own hair for decades to hide the gray. I am guilty of clicking on pictures whenever the Duchess of Cambridge wears her long, chestnut locks in a new style. We are conditioned to view women’s hair as their shining glory.

Meanwhile, we perpetuate these twin myths: that women are there for the male view and that women need a man to defend their honor.

Instead the woman who has been abused has disappeared from the headlines and the debate again focuses on the rightness or wrongness of male actions.

As if the woman never really existed at all — except for her missing hair.

That “Little Lady” Tone

I call it “the-little-lady” tone. We’ve all heard it:

• From the mechanic when we explain the vibration in the steering wheel at 70 mph.
• From the plumber when we show him the leaking faucet due to a gasket.
• From the salesman at the auto dealership.

It’s that tone of voice that implies women don’t understand mechanical things, that we just need to leave the diagnostics and repairs to the big strong man. All women need to do is pull out the checkbook and write in enough zeroes and he’ll fix everything for us.

He’s got it, my dear. You needn’t worry your pretty little head. Go apply another coat of lipstick, honey.

It’s nothing more than a pile of foul smelling, steaming feces from the anus of a male bovine. And the next chauvinistic pig who gives me that demeaning, disgusting voice is going to find his teeth in his stomach, right next to his gonads. (I won’t demean the entire male population by calling him a man.)

Since I’ve been on my own, I’ve had to deal with some fun plumbing issues in my apartment. I’ve had to handle my own auto maintenance, and I’ve arranged financing for a new house.

I’m the first to admit that I’m not a plumber, not a mechanic and not a loan officer, but I do know what an unbalanced tire feels like and what a decaying gasket leak looks like in a faucet and what it means when both the shower AND the toilet back up at the same time.

My credit score is the direct result of using credit cards wisely, keeping my bank accounts in the black and contributing to my retirement funds. I know how to budget for my loan payments, taxes, insurance and association dues. I also know enough to budget for routine repairs and how to calculate what the property taxes will be after the sales price is reported to the county assessor.

When I look at a house, I push those fancy window treatments aside and ask who manufactured the windows and what the fenestration rating is. I don’t give rat’s behind about your pretty window treatments. I want to know how much heating and cooling is being lost through those cheap windows you installed.

Yes, I have breasts – and a brain. The men who can remember that long enough to treat this woman with a decent amount of respect are going to get my money. They will answer my questions because I want to learn. They will explain what they’re doing and why and offer suggestions to help prevent the problem from occurring again. They will show me the corroded parts when recommending a complete faucet replacement instead of a cheaper gasket replacement.

No man needs to be threatened by a woman who will take the time to understand how things work and why they don’t. No man needs to fear women who stand up for themselves and insist on accountability.

So why are so many of them so anxious to treat women like they’re imbeciles?

Image from Flickr Creative Commons: Jere-me’s Photostream